It is with a heavy heart
that I write this post, but as we grieve the loss of our beloved pastor, Dr.
Lane Alderman, I believe it is important as a church family, adults and
children, to walk this journey together. Losing a
loved one is never easy and talking about it can be even more difficult.
However, as we grieve this loss, we do need to talk about it with our children.
As a parent, I know this can be a daunting task, one that I would sometimes
rather avoid. But even at a young age children encounter death, and as adults
and parents we need to create a safe and healthy space for them to grieve and
ask questions.
How you
talk to your children will depend on their age and developmental stage. With
young children who are not yet able to think abstractly, it’s better to use
concrete language and avoid metaphorical language. This even applies to common
sayings mentioned around death. For example, “We lost Aunt Millie today,” could
leave a child thinking that perhaps if we look hard enough, we can find her. Young children usually get the general
concept of death, but it can feel a bit distant and more like magic. As
children get older, they begin to understand more about death and it becomes
more personal. One of the best ways to see what your child understands about
death is just by spending time and listening to them. This will give you a better
idea of where they are and what they understand. During these conversations,
it’s also okay for you to express how you feel as you go through your own
grief. You are a role model for your children and teaching them healthy ways to
cope with grief is a valuable life lesson. Lastly, as you talk with your child,
remind them constantly that they are loved by you and by God. There is often fear associated with death, so
giving lots of reassurance is comforting for children.
I’ll end by sharing a story and a lesson from Lane. When I was in 7th grade, I lost a dear friend and classmate of mine.
I was devastated. My parents were wonderful, but my mom suggested I see our
pastor because I was still struggling with some spiritual questions. I was a
bundle of nerves as I walked into Lane’s office to talk and to ask him
questions about death. But from the moment I entered, he was comforting and
kind. He let me talk about what I was thinking and feeling and never once made
me feel like I was a bother. As we talked, he answered my questions the best
way he could. As I look
back on that meeting I had as a young girl with Lane, I find comfort as an
adult and parent. You see, I am sure Lane said some really wise and brilliant
things, but that’s not what I remember. I remember that he had time for me. I
remember that he valued my thoughts and questions. I remember that I felt
comforted, assured, and loved. So in this time of grieving, it is my prayer
that we would be able to walk with each other and our children. I pray that we
would all feel comforted, assured, and loved not only by each other, but most
of all by our Lord Jesus Christ, who we know promises to walk with us every
step of the way.
Resources:
- http://childrensministry.com/articles/helping-children-grieve/h
- http://childrensministry.com/articles/helping-children-deal-with-death/
- http://childrensministry.com/articles/dealing-with-grief-grades-4-to-6/Dealing with Grief: Grades 4 to 6
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